


GRIEF

by ncsupnatfan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 19:59:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4890163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncsupnatfan/pseuds/ncsupnatfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in S3, E16-No Rest For the Wicked, my thoughts on what Sam was going through.  Written in first person from Sam's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	GRIEF

"Ok what do I have to do?" I asked Ruby when we found Lilith had escaped the child's body. Our plan was falling apart in front of us and I had to do something to save Dean. I couldn't let him be taken to hell, I just couldn't.

"What do you mean?" Ruby questioned me. 

"To save Dean, what do you need me to do?" I asked desperately again.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Dean asked me grabbing my arm.

"Just shut up of a second. Ruby?" I questioned pushing his hand away.

"You had your chance, you just can't flip it on and off like a switch. We needed time."

"But there's gotta be something; there's gotta be some way, whatever it is I'll do it." I begged.

Dean grabs me and pulls me back away from her.

"Dean." I protest. "I'm not gonna let you go to hell Dean."

"Yes you are!" he yells at me and I see something I have never seen before in his eyes, he's given up. "Yes you are. I'm sorry, I mean this is all my fault, I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me, it's only gonna kill you." I see tears forming in his eyes as he begs me without words to understand.

"What am I suppose to do?" I sob as my own tears begin to flow blinding my eyes.

"Keep fighting. Take care of my wheels. Sam remember what Dad taught you, ok. And remember what I taught you." he says trying to put on a good face.

The clock started chiming midnight in loud echoing bongs that sounded way too ominous. I look at him through tear filled eyes as a sob caught in my throat. I tried to think of something, anything to say but my mind wasn't working. I couldn't make anything come out

"I'm sorry Dean; I wouldn't wish this upon my worse enemy." Ruby whispered to Dean.

Dean looks toward the window as his eyes widen and looks back at me. Hell hounds can be heard in the distance getting closer coming for him.

"Hell hound." Dean says looking away from me so I won‘t see the fear in his eyes.

"Where?" I asked looking to where he was looking now.

"There." he nodded to the doorway. 

The hell hounds growling gets louder and stronger as Dean takes a step back before pushing Sam in front of him to move now. They make it into another room slamming the double doors shut. Dean grabs a bag of goofer dust and pours it across the doorway and heads for the windows to do the same.

"Give me the knife, maybe I can head it off." Ruby tells Sam.

"What?" Sam questions as Dean steps closer.

"Come on, that dust won't last forever." she complains.

"Wait!" Dean yells to me as I start to hand the knife to Ruby.

"You wanna die?"

"Sam that's not Ruby.” Dean informs me. “It's not Ruby." 

Before I can react, I’m thrown into the wall with my arms pinned out to the side of me. I can't move my body and can barely turn my head. I watch Dean get thrown back onto a table by Lilith as she smiles smugly.

"How long you been in her?"

"Not long, but I like it.” Lilith preens. “It's all grown up and pretty."

"And where's Ruby?"

"She was a very bad girl, so I sent her far, far away."

"You know I should of seen it before. But you all look alike to me." Dean smirked trying to hide his fear.

"Hello Sam. I've wanted to meet you for a very long time." Lilith says walking toward me and stopping in front of me. She gets up in my face and grabs it to kiss me. I tried to pull away from her as she held me tight. "You lips are soft." she purred.

"Alright so you have me, let my brother go." I demand staring her down not wanting to show any fear.

"Silly goose, you want to bargain, but you have to have something I want." she replies tsking to me. "You don't."

"So is this your big plan uh? Drag me to hell, kill Sam and then what become queen bitch?"

"I don't have to answer that puppy chow." Lilith remarks as she strolls toward the door and opens it breaking the line of dust. "Sick 'em boys."

The hell hounds bound into the room and straight at Dean. I couldn’t see them, but could track their movements right before they grabbed Dean by the legs and jerk him off the table. I can see his jeans being ripped apart by a claw and deep marks appear down his leg, laying it open to the bone. Blood begins to flow from the leg pooling on the floor.

"No! No !" I scream as loud as I can. "Stop it!" I cry again, as I watch my brother being torn apart and Lilith just stands there and laughs at me. "Stop it!"

Dean rolls on the floor as blood begins to pour from his slashed chest and back spilling onto the wooden floor in splashes of red. My stomach lurches and rolls as I struggle to try and break free. This can’t be happening, I was suppose to save him, oh god please someone help him, I scream in my mind.

"No, no. Stop it." I beg again trying to dislodge myself from the wall. "No!" I cried one more time with less force behind it. 

"Yes." she exclaims raising her hand and casting her powers at me in a blazing white blinding light that filled the room. 

White hot searing light blinded me and I squinted my eyes and turned my head trying to get away from the pain. I waited to die, but nothing happened. Suddenly the light is gone and I am free from the wall, falling to the floor with Lilith standing in front of me looking confused and scared. I pull myself up and I step toward her with only one thing on my mind, revenge. I wanted blood for what she had done to Dean.

"Back! I said back!" she commands me, but I take another step as she backs up. I reach down now for the fallen demon knife and grip it tightly in my hand. I can’t wait to bury it into her and destroy her.

"I don't think so." I state as I draw the blade back to plunge it into her body, but before I can she smokes out in a black swirling cloud escaping through an air vent. 

I turn to my brother's lifeless form and carefully lift his head while tears run freely down my face. "No, no." I beg the universe. "Dean." I cry as I look into his lifeless eyes feeling my heart break into. This can’t be happening, it has to been a dream, my mind screams as I close my eyes and open them again to see the same scene before me. Blood is pooling around me and soaking into my jeans as I continue to kneel beside him. I finally reach up with trembling blood stained fingers and gently close his eyes. I let my head fall to my chest as defeat settled on me weighing my body down like lead weights. Dean was gone and I was not able to save him no matter how hard I tried. I had failed again, but this time I had failed my brother. 

Soft footsteps sounded behind me and stopped not far away. I didn’t look up when I sensed the person. I couldn’t move as I gripped my brother’s body tighter. 

“Sam?” an older male voice questioned me. “Son?”

My throat tightened as I tried to swallow so I could speak. My mouth felt like scratchy sand paper as I tried to wet my lips with my tongue without much success. It didn’t matter; I didn’t know what to say to him. 

“Damn.” Bobby sighed when he got close enough to see the body in my arms. “Awe Sam I’m sorry.” the older hunter told him laying a hand on his shoulder in comfort. I didn’t see the tears in his eyes he wiped away before continuing. “We should probably get out of here Sam.”

I didn’t answer or move, but deep down I knew he was right. We needed to leave before the family called the cops or Lilith tried something else. I used my arm to wipe the tears from my eyes before picking up my brother to carry him out of this place. I staggered under his weight, but refused any help from Bobby. This was my burden, I wanted to carry it along; I needed to carry it alone.

"Sam, wanna follow me back home?" Bobby asked quietly as I closed the door to the car and leaned there for a moment trying to pull some inner strength up out of me. I felt numb all over and it seemed the world around me was moving, but I wasn't a part of it. I felt displaced, lost, out of sync with reality like all this wasn't real. I was on autopilot and didn't even bother to acknowledge Bobby only get in the driver's seat and start up the car. Bobby looked at me for a moment before going to his car and getting in. He cranked it and slowly pulled away waiting to see if I would follow. I put the car in gear and pressed on the gas enough to make the car move so I could follow him.

spn

I didn't remember much of the drive back. I stopped when Bobby did and filled the car. Bobby didn't bother to try and talk to after the first attempt and I didn't answer him. We pulled into the salvage yard and I parked beside the house. I got out and opened to back to get my brother out and into the house. 

I carried him upstairs to our bedroom and laid him on his bed. I stepped back for a moment and looked at his torn, ravaged body. I needed to clean him up and patch him as good as I could, get clean clothes on him. I had to take care of him, he was my brother and he needed to be ready when he came back. What was Hell thinking, he was a Winchester, we didn't die that easy. 

I let a hoarse sob escape my lips as the hot, salty tears streaked down my face and dripped off. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly trying but the tears still worked their way out. I began to tremble as my legs gave out and I fell to the floor beside his bed gripping his hand in mine. I wept uncontrollably for him and for what he had done for me, for giving his life for mine. Why would he do that? I wasn't worth his sacrifice, I wasn't worth it. 

"Damn you Dean, how am I supposed to live with this? How am I supposed to live without you?" I cried to the empty room as I punched the bed beside him. My grief and sorrow was turning to anger and rage. How could he leave me like this, alone? I was a lone now. All my family killed by monsters, demons. I am the last, the last Winchester.

Bobby came up and found me slumped beside the bed passed our from exhaustion. He sighed and shook his head wanting to wake me, but left me alone instead. He reached over from the other bed and pulled the cover off draping it over my prone body. I didn't move from the floor for the next five hours.

spn

I woke with a stiff neck and back and trying to figure out where I was. I saw my brother's bloody hand first and knew what had happened wasn't a dream, it had all happened, Dean was dead and his soul is in hell.

I eased my long frame off the floor and cracked my back and neck. I looked down at my blood stained clothes noticing how stiff and dirty they were. I needed a shower and clean clothes and then I would take care of my brother's body. With that decided I grabbed clean clothes and stumbled to the bathroom. I turned the water on and stripped off the clothes covered in Dean's blood. I stepped into the hot spray and let the water run down my body. I watched the water turn pinkish and then finally clear again as it disappeared down the drain. I stood in the spray for a few minutes longer before taking some shampoo and washing my hair and then my body. I stayed under the spray until it started to run cold before turning it off and stepping out to towel my wet body down. 

After putting on some clean clothes, I filled a basin with water and took it to the bedroom. I found a knife in my pack and used it to cut away the ripped clothes from his body. Once that was done, I carefully began to wash away the dried blood from his pale skin. I continued to do this until the water was red. I dug the first aid kit from Dean's pack and set out needles and thread. I needed to sew his wounds up as best I could so his body would be ready for him. I was stitching the slashes on his chest when I felt someone behind me. I never looked up just kept on stitching the wound closed. 

"Sam, what are ya doin'?" 

"Fixing Dean up so when he comes back." I mumble to him.

"Awe son..." Bobby trailed off seeing the sadness and dull look on my face. "I thought we would give him a hunter burial."

"No!" I growled at him. "I'm gonna bury him, he'll need his body when he comes back." 

"Sam, Dean's gone. He ain't comin' back." 

"I don't believe that, if there's any way back, Dean'll find it." 

"Sam..."

"I have to do this Bobby."

After a few moments Bobby nodded. "There's coffee downstairs when you're ready."

"Thanks." I reply as I continue my ministry to my brother. I moved to his legs, cutting his pants as I went doing the same thing. Once I had him cleaned and stitched, I found clean clothes to dress him in. I stood back and surveyed my work. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was sleeping. I swallowed the lump in my throat and fought back the tears before walking slowly out of the room and down the stairs.  
Bobby looked up from the paper he was reading as I walked into the room and headed for the coffee pot. I poured a cup of coffee and doctored it with cream and sugar.

“Want somethin’ to eat?” 

“No.” I answered feeling my stomach churn just thinking of food. I sat in a chair at the table and sipped the coffee trying to make myself say it. “Will you help me...” I started.

“Help with what Sam?”

“Build a coffin.” I finally got out not looking up but staring into my coffee cup for fear if I did look I would lose it again and I had to get through this. 

“Sure son, I have what we need in the shop.” he answered me quietly with remorse in his voice. He folded the paper back up and got up from the table. “I’ll go get started, ya need to eat somethin’, keep your strength up even if it’s just toast.”

I watched him leave knowing he was right, I needed to eat something. I got up and looked in the cabinets until I found a power bar stashed in one. It wasn’t much, but would suffice for now. I didn’t have an appetite but forced myself to eat it. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and headed to the shop.

spn

Before I got to the building, I could hear the noise of an air hammer as each nail was drove into the wood. With each snap of the gun, I felt another piece of my heart break off and disappear. I know I would never be whole again. I stepped into the garage and saw Bobby over by two saw horses that had the beginnings of the coffin I had asked help with. I took a deep breath before continuing closer. Bobby looked up at me without commenting only nodded toward the next board he needed. I obediently picked it up and put it in place for him to nail. As the gun shot the nail in I cringed and stiffened but continued to place the boards where needed. The wood was slowly taking the shape of a wooden box; I couldn't say it again, the more my hands began to shake. I tried to hide that from Bobby, but I'm sure he saw. It was pretty obvious when I dropped the board and took forever to pick up. What seemed like a lifetime, but was actually only several hours, it was done. 

"Can I borrow your truck?" I asked as we stood back from the coffin. 

"Sure son, whatever ya need."

"I'm gonna go bury him."

"Do you want company?"

"No."

"Sure you don't need help?"

"No, I need to do this on my own." I told him accepting the truck keys. 

I headed outside and pulled Bobby's truck to the door and backed it close enough to load the box into the back. Bobby took one side and I grabbed the other and slid it into the bed of the truck. He laid the lid beside it and I carefully pulled it out and over to the house. I sat in the truck gripping the steering wheel willing myself to get out and do this. I saw the shadow of Bobby pass by me and paused at the steps waiting for me to get out. I draw in a deep breath and clench my jaw to still myself for what I had to do. I opened the door and steadied myself being sure my legs would hold me as I finally followed him inside. 

I had already found a place that would serve the purpose I needed in Illinois outside of Pontiac. It's isolated and remote. I don't think anyone will be able to find him and his body will be safe. I know Bobby doesn't understand my decision, I don't expect him to, but somewhere deep down I just know, I know he'll be back. I have to believe that, if I don't I'm just not sure... I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts as I trudged up the stairs barely able to put one foot in front of another. 

I looked through the bedroom door at our beds and saw his still body right where I had left him. I mean what did I expect, Dean was gone, this was only the outer shell of my brother. What made Dean, Dean was ripped from him by hell hounds. I could not even in my wildest dreams pretend to know what he must be going through right now. Words couldn't describe it and my mind couldn't image the images of what it would be like. I swallowed back the bile that had made its way up the back of my throat and stepped on into the room and stopped beside the bed. Knowing he would feel anything now, I carefully pulled his body up and shifted it so I could get him in a fireman's hold to carry down the stairs. 

spn

Bobby waited beside his truck with a solemn look on his face. He knew this was coming, ever since he found out about Dean’s deal. He had hoped they would find something, anything to break it, but it was a slim chance at best. He knew better than to ask if I wanted help because he knew I wouldn’t accept it. He knew I had to do this on my own. I transferred Dean’s body to the back of the truck beside the coffin before climbing in back myself. I stopped for a moment to gather my thoughts as I made ready to put his body in the wooden coffin. 

“Here, I’ll take his legs.” Bobby offered waiting to be sure I wouldn’t decline before grabbing his jeans at the knees as I slid my hands under his arms and lifted him as gently as a child to lay him in the box. I straightened his arms and adjusted his body being sure he looked comfortable before for one last time I ran a hand down his cheek feeling how cold his skin felt. I wiped the stray tear that ran down my cheek and pulled the top up onto it. Bobby took a hammer and nails and began to drive them in the corners as I stood back trying not to jump every time the hammer hit home. 

“Sam...” he tried to start trying to keep it from cracking. I could see the wetness in his eyes and knew he was mourning Dean who was like a son to him. 

I didn’t answer him as I hefted a dolly in back to help move the coffin when I got to the destination I wanted. I couldn’t say anything for I knew my voice would break even if I tried. I tied it down and closed the tailgate before stepping back and stopping beside Bobby. Bobby laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lovingly while the tears ran from his eyes. I nodded my head that I understood before getting behind the wheel and starting the truck. With one last glance at him, I drove away.

spn

The truck ate up the miles as I neared the place I had chosen to lay my brother to rest. I had turned off the main road a number of miles back and was now on a dirt road leading farther away from any civilization. I bumped around in the cab as I tried to steer around the worse of the pot holes. The road was running out and I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive much farther. I was only able to make my way another mile or so before pulling over to park. 

This was as close as I was going to get with the truck. I opened to tailgate and un-strapped the dolly first sitting it by the truck before starting with the coffin. I eased the end of the coffin off the bed and let it rest on the ground before positioning the dolly behind it and strapping it with a shovel to the dolly. Once I had everything secured, I shouldered a small pack, put on gloves and made ready to pull it into the woods. 

I had to go slow as I worked my way around trees and over rocks feeling my arms tired with each step but I wasn’t willing to give up. I knew it wasn’t much farther to the clearing I had found. I think Dean would like this place. It was peaceful and quiet and tranquil there. A place I thought he could rest and not be disturbed by anyone or anything. With the last ounce of my energy, I broke into the clearing breathing heavily as sweat dripped into my eyes blinding me. I swiped my arm across my face and blinked rapidly as the sweat stung my eyes blurring my vision. I let the gloves drop off my hand and pulled the pack off to get a water bottle out. The water felt good going down my parched throat. I spilled some in my hand and wiped my face and neck to cool off before finishing our journey. I put my water away and grabbed the dolly handles one more time to pull my brother to his resting place.

spn

I looked around the area and found what looked like the softest spot to begin digging. With a grunt, I drove the shovel into the ground and removed the first of many shovels of dirt. I drove it in again, harder this time as a wave of grief sweep over me and a sob escaped my lips sounding loud in the quiet clearing. I cried out again letting the tears fall now, but kept moving the soil from the hole I was forming. I didn’t know how I still had tears to shed after all that I had cried already. I could feel snot drip from my nose and paused long enough to use my shirt sleeve to wipe it away. I don’t know how I was still able to continue, but I did. I kept shoving shovel after shovel, making the hole deeper, but not too deep. I had to be sure he could get out when the time came. 

After another hour, I got out of the hole and rested my hands on my knees to catch my breath. I lifted my head and let the breeze blowing through the clearing dry my tear stained face. If I closed my eyes and imagined, I could almost believe it was Dean stroking my cheek. I let out the breath I was holding and raised up knowing I needed to finish this. 

I moved the coffin to the edge and positioned it before taking the straps and sliding them on either end so I could lower it into the hole. I did so with care until it rested in the hole. I looked down at the coffin one last time before picking up the shovel to fill it in. Each shovel full felt heavier than the last, but I kept throwing the dirt on the coffin until it was covered and continued until I had the hole filled. I picked my pack up and pulled a bottle of whiskey from it and uncapped it. After taking a long swallow, I tilted the bottle, letting it pour over the grave.

“For you brother.” I whispered hoarsely “One last drink.” 

I picked up the cross I had made and with a rock I hammered it into the ground at the head of the grave. I stepped back for one last look before taking the dolly and heading back to the truck and the long drive back to Bobby’s. 

spn

Bobby looked up when he heard his pickup pull down the driveway and stop near the house. He waited for Sam to come back in, knowing he had to let Sam have some space to deal with this in his own way, but he would be there when and if he needed him. He heard the front door open and close and heard the tread of footsteps going up the stairs to the boy’s bedroom.

I parked the truck back by the house and stumbled to the front door. I was bone weary and could hardly put one foot in front of the other, but I made myself walk inside and up the stairs. I didn’t want to see Bobby right now, I needed...I needed...Oh god I needed my brother. How am I going to be able to go on alone? I made for the bed and laid down before I fell down curling into a fetal position. Fresh tears washed down my face as I settled my head on my pillow letting everything drain out of me. I closed my wet eyes and tried to close out the world around me as memories of a better time played in my mind. I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring or what I was going to do, but right now all I could think about was to escape into sleep and let my mind shut down.

The End


End file.
